Marion Makes…

Holy shit, y’all.

So it’s been like two months since I last posted a single thing. I’ve been all over the place. I’m pretty sure I’ve missed too much to really catch up the way I’d like to, but we’re gonna try to hit the highlights. Most of those have to do with Erica, obviously. Not all of em, though!

TL;DR at the bottom.

I’m gonna start with the tough stuff to get it outta the way.

Erica’s Zaide is still alive for now. I don’t even really have anything else to say about that, try as I might. He’s up and down and there’s no telling how long he’ll last at all. It’s hard. But it’s been hard. We’ll make it.

Then there’s my mental health 💀 long story short, my meds have been wrong since like June. I’ve spent most of my time away from the blog quite moody and depressed, and also compulsively reading and gaming to unhealthy extremes of time, unable to disengage from these things, and distracted by them nonetheless when I did manage to pull away. I haven’t really done any of my hobbies in possibly months. (I know, dude. Where’s the damn making stuff? I do miss it. Hopefully back to it soon.) Besides keeping Erica fed and engaged and happy, I’ve not been very productive. Daily quests are on a nearly complete hold. It’s been really hard, as you might expect. I’ve still been able to do right by my kid, and that’s a blessing… but because of all the negatives right now, I’ve been particularly struggling with that that oh-so-familiar compounding negative emotion, self-loathing. I often find myself asking what I’m worth, beyond motherhood, and having a hard time answering positively. I question how well I do as a mother as well, obviously, and I am making mistakes. It’s hard. My husband and family and friends (and therapist lol) are an amazing network of support, but we’ve got a lot of shit goin on, and it’s kept me pretty dissociated and hurting.

This is why I haven’t been posting. For a while, I was doing so poorly I had to make an emergency med change and attend extra therapy. We’re not at that spot, anymore, and I’m slowly starting to allow myself so grace again, which is a relief. I know the best way to combat that self-loathing is countering those painful thoughts, very intentionally pointing out my positives, and I’m trying to do that. Trying to forgive myself for the missteps, the late nights and the microwave dinners. But boy, is it difficult.

Difficulty aside, I’m finally in a place where my meds have been corrected enough that I’m coming outta the dark. I feel good enough to share this struggle to remind people that struggle is valid, and that no one has to be completely alone in their difficulties and pain. Mental illness is everywhere and takes many forms (even in one ditzy stay at home mom) and it is something to be understood and treated, not feared or shamed, by both those feeling its effects and those witnessing them. I’m back to doing some of my chores and routines more regularly, and have been able to get outta the house more frequently. Finally feeling like I can share my life again, instead of being in survival mode. So here we are. Thanks for the patience. 😘

Despite the toughness, good things also abound.

Erica is such a happy, healthy little girl. She brings so much joy. We’ve been able to take her out and about more easily now that she’s walking. We bought her first pair of shoes, and she looks so grown up in them. She’s been interacting with the other kids and parents more when we take her to the library. One time she even hugged one of the moms there – she was squatting near her kid and handed Erica a toy she dropped, so I told Erica to say thank you. She just walked right up and put her arms around the woman. Melted our hearts. (Yes, I know I’mma have to teach her stranger danger at some point, but at this stage I think it’s just precious that she’s so social and affectionate.) She’s done a little sharing with kids at the library too, and sharing is hard, lol. Proud of that.

She also made a “friend” at the park for the first time. This little three year old girl was absolutely enamored with Erica. She kept petting her hair and talking to her and being amazingly sweet and friendly. Erica just sat there and grinned for most of it, but the fact that it happened and went well is so exciting. She wasn’t afraid or anything, and she’s getting such good exposure to people. She also climbed up a tiny slide by herself when she realized her shoes were grippy, which was exciting.

Towards the end of September, we took her on her first road trip to visit my family. What an unbelievable experience. It went really well, except for the trip there – we rented a hotel room to split the seven hour drive into two days, and boy did we end up regretting it. That poor child screamed all night. I had to sleep in her pop up tent with her so she wouldn’t keep all our hotel neighbors awake. It was so bad that we just drove straight through in one day with extra long breaks on the way back, and that went so much better. I was surprised, for sure.

While we were there she had a couple of sweet firsts, too. She went to my childhood park and rode her first carousel, and she walked around. She played on the (very new) playground and she interacted with people really well. Most of my family got to ride the carousel with us, though Ahzig couldn’t join. I have a ton of memories of that carousel and spent years visiting that park over and over, so it was really fun to get her there.

The whole trip was full of crazy nostalgia. I couldn’t believe how different everything felt now that I have a kid. Cute memories I hadn’t recalled in years popped up unbidden over and over. Watching her toddle around my childhood home was surreal and precious. We also took her to other places I frequented, and she dipped her toes in the water of the lake I grew up splashing around in. It was her first lake and first time on a pier over water. She loved looking out through the rails.
I had a good childhood, but going back to my hometown is still often hard. I had a lot of really tough stuff happen there too, much more recently than those childhood days, and those are the memories that would come to mind more easily when I was out and about there before. But putting Erica there, seeing her interact with my old world, kinda reignited the memories of the wonder I had in those places. It restored some of the shine that the struggle of my teenage years tarnished that town with.

…Just a little tho. I’m still never living in the american south again. Fuck that noise.

Anyways.

I also cut Ecca’s hair for the first time. I did a horrible job and she still manages to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. She’s starting to learn her words, though she’s a little late and low vocab so far, but she’s started progressing pretty quickly in the last week. She’s said pepper and hat, and she regularly says ball, hello, hi, wow, no, and all done. She regularly signs eat, more, all done, and potty. She knows a ton of body parts and animal sounds – she’ll woof, moo, buzz, and trumpet like an elephant with her arm hanging off her nose like a trunk. I can’t get enough, man.

But!

The biggest news is, I’m pregnant again! Baby two is cookin!! I’ve been calling them “teensy.” I called Erica “smidgen” before we knew her sex and picked her name, and I liked having a moniker for these early days of pregnancy. We’ll probably be able to know the sex of the baby relatively early (we’ll likely do a blood test to screen for downs syndrome since it’s in my family, like last time, and that should be within the next couple weeks), but I still want something unique to call them in the meantime that isn’t just “two.” So, teensy. We’ve had an ultrasound for them already because they’re a slightly higher risk pregnancy, and they’re developing right on track. Due date is in June, and we are so excited. We bought Erica a babydoll to practice being gentle with, and she loves it and wants to tell it goodnight every night. She’s going to be an amazing big sister. Dgmw, she’s gonna smack the shit outta her new sibling at some point. But I think she’ll love her teensy pretty immediately.

I think that covers the most important stuff. I’m going to try to start daily shares again, too, but it’ll prolly be sporadic at first. Love y’all.

TL;DR I’ve been depressed as hell but we’re back now and good things are coming our way, like baby two and more Erica love.