Marion Makes…

I’ve been telling myself for like… weeks now? That I need to write a damn blog post. It’s been way too long. I always struggle to get started with these, and that’s true now as well, but it’s a little worse than usual because it’s been such a weird stretch of time.

I suppose the easiest way to start is to say that I had a peak in my depression a few weeks ago. Like, extra therapy sessions and emergency med adjustments type peak. It’s thrown everything into disarray. Then I was still getting that straightened out when we left for Grandma and Zaide’s house for a 16-day stay… Then my internet friends had their yearly get together here (for my sake cuz I have to take care of Erica, no pressure lol) while we weren’t staying at home.

That was a lovely time as always, and the visit + the med adjustment really helped to pull me back to a better place. That being said, it’s still been a struggle since then.

Staying with the in laws is so difficult. It’s one thing to be away from your home for a vacation where you keep busy for a week and have fun. It’s another entirely to try to uproot your regular day-to-day routine and fit it into a few spaces in someone else’s house for two weeks. Two weeks out of every five or six now, I might add. We spend 30-40% of our time here, balancing care for Erica with care for Zaide and balancing work schedules and a million other things. Eating here is hard because Grandma and Zaide keep kosher, so everything is restricted and complicated. I can’t even wash my coffee cup or Erica’s bottles without taking out the rack they keep in the bottom of the sink and using a completely different sponge. It’s exhausting.

I don’t want to come off as just complaining for the sake of it, because it’s really important to us that we be here to support Nate’s parents through his dad’s illness. We’re doing our best to stay as positive as possible, but lately it also feels really important to admit that this is hard. For so many reasons. We have to go back to our house every couple of days, or bother a friend, to check on our cats and give them as much attention as we can in a couple hours. Leaving them mostly alone for two weeks feels borderline abusive, but we can’t bring them here cuz Zaide is severely allergic and it could legitimately kill him. So we have that weighing on us as well. Plus there’s always, always drama and trouble with Nate’s sibling, with no way for us to affect that positively or find any solutions. And believe me, we have tried. It’s hard to come to compromise with someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, particularly when they’re constantly enabled by other family.

There are wonderful aspects of being here, too, don’t get me wrong. It’s amazing to watch Erica build bonds with her grandparents. It’s good to be closer to Nate’s mom. We walk around the neighborhood here almost every day, and there are a million safe and interesting routes to take (we only have two at home). And of course we’re doing something important in helping.

I’m just kinda exhausted, and I barely even do anything here. That’s part of the exhaustion too, though. I don’t feel like I’ve been particularly productive in weeks. I’m starting to be hard on myself and noticeably more anxious, and that’s often precursive to a depressive episode, which I really don’t want to have happen so soon after the last one. I’ve been trying to distract myself with games and reading, which has been kinda good? I read all of the murderbot series again (I know, leave me alone) and I read Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer. Thank goodness it was not as bad as the other VanderMeer I read. And obviously Erica’s lovely lil sunshine heart keeps my spirits lifted a lot of the time.

But yeh. I’m glad I’ll be going home tomorrow, though Nate isn’t coming back for two more days. And as unfortunate as it is, Nate and I are thinking that for the next visit, Erica and I will only stay half the time. We can’t be away from the cats for so long, I can’t be away from my space for so long with a kid. I hate the thought of Nate and Erica spending extended time apart, but we can do day trips on his week alone. We’ll figure something out. Everything is a weird waiting game at this point anyways.

On a happier note, despite the difficulty with my meds recently, Nate and I are still feeling ready overall to try for baby 2 now, so that’s a thing we’re working on. (what an awkward sentence but idk how else to address attempting to make a child in this scenario without being like, obscene) (no we’re not disrespecting the sanctity of Nate’s parents home T_T )

The meds are definitely a discouraging factor, but I trust my psychiatrist and am pretty good at self-monitoring, so it shouldn’t be an actual concern for a pregnancy. Otherwise the timing is perfect, considering seasons and Erica’s age and financial stability and whatnot. Maybe not so much with Zaide’s cancer, but we can’t put off our lives indefinitely. Sigh. Time marches forward. Like Erica, speaking of which. She’s a whole walker now, fr fr. Walks more than crawling and everything.

So… There’s some great stuff in there, but not the happiest update overall, which is a shame, cuz my life is also rich and I don’t wanna seem ungrateful for that. I’m so fortunate to have the family I have (except critter -_- ) and to be safe and comfortable. I’m excited at the prospect of expanding our family. Our lives are good. They’re just also hard, and at the moment I have to admit that to myself and give myself some grace and gentleness. Sigh again.

I’m glad to get back into writing literally anything, though. A lot of my habits have been hard to keep recently, but this (and esp daily updates) is something I really want to start up again.

Erm. I think that’s it, fam. Idk how to tie it all up, lol. There ya go, I guess. Thanks for reading :P