Marion Makes…

bruh

I have had a time

I spent the first several days nauseous
Then I was dizzy enough I couldn’t walk
Then I had a good day!
Now my fucking herniated disc is causing me pain for no damn reason and I can’t walk again.

It has been so bad that more than once I have wondered if I’m not already pregnant, which really shouldn’t be a thing but I guess could technically be if there was a real bad condom failure.

To be fair, I did just go through the biggest med change of my life, and that is clearly still having mental effects on me too so I suppose some of the nausea or dizziness could’ve been from that. No idea why the back pain, though. Maybe laying in bed cuz I was sick too much.

So now I’m sitting here in pain on my couch cuz I don’t wanna lay down all day again. Woo. I spent this whole week reading the entirety of the Murderbot series and also watched the show. I am officially out of Murderbot content except one very short story that exists but I have not been able to easily find.

The show was ass compared to the books. I get why people liked it a lot, but it mostly just pissed me off. David Dastmalchian is an excellent actor, though. And Alexander Skarsgard is nice to look at. So there’s that.

Idk what I’mma do with myself today. I don’t have a ton of options. I’ve been reading a little too obsessively so I’m going to take a break from books for a few days. Probably games and maybe some more writing today, I guess. Eventually I’ll go back to Robin Hobb.

One of the things that is most frustrating about this situation with my back is the knowledge that it was almost certainly preventable if I had kept doing my PT exercises, but I have not. Now I can’t move, and it’s terrifying. Losing mobility is awful, especially when you have a kid you want to hold. And I have no one to blame but myself.

This is something I struggle with fairly regularly. I don’t make super great health choices. I try to. Sometimes I manage to sustain healthy habits for a few weeks. But I always fall back on the old ingrained habit of having no habits at all beyond very basic self care. Normally I just deal with it, I’m the only one it used to really negatively affect.

Now it’s hurting my family.
Nate couldn’t go in to the office today even though he was supposed to, and he’s having to divide his time between work and Erica’s care because I can’t. Erica doesn’t get mama time, I don’t get Erica time – she sat on my lap for a few minutes earlier but she started squirming enough that it hurt too much pretty quickly. Nate and I are both scared about how my body will handle this second pregnancy that we both want. We can’t really afford for me to be out of commission long-term.

It’s really stressful and makes it really easy for me to get down on myself. A common response I have heard throughout my life is something along the lines of “just decide to do better,” and it’s really discouraging. I’ve decided to do better countless times. It’s the sustained follow-through that’s the problem. You have to decide to do better every single day, and I haven’t figured out how to manage that. I’m trying, and I’m aware of my flaws here. I also know that being hard on myself doesn’t necessarily help, and can actively harm, but I don’t know how to draw the line between motivating guilt and debilitating guilt.

These are the things I’m currently grappling with, and that’s part of why I’ve been absent for a while. I’ll try to get back into that positive habit of writing here more frequently. :)